did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
