We won't sleep together?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
