oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
