I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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