did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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