just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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