I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
