I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
