did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
