Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Randomize
