when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
