So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize