I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
