I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize