Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
me + whiskey = a bad person
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
