all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize