My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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