if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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