How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
