my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
