sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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