We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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