i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize