yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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