there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
