I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
