Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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