Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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