I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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