broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
