Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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