And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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