You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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