I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
