Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
