Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So squirting runs in the family.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
