Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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