you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
