no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize