Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
