If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
