I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
