i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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