evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
