Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
