I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
