He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
