"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
