i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
