people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
