Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
