THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I have already put on my inside pants.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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