party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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