I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
