So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
