there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
