Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
