Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
