break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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