Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Sext me about skeletons
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
