I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
