SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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