I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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