My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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