So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
