3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
