and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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