he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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