I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
