It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize