so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize