Cold hands, warm shart.
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My liver just broke up with me...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
zippers are such a cool invention
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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