the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
