About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize